


Dear Ash - A Christmas Miracle

by PurplePirate83



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Ash is faking his death, Ash wants to protect Eiji, Christmas Miracle, Christmas Story, Crying, Eiji gets his revenge, Eiji is suffering, Eiji prays for a Christmas miracle, Eiji writes a letter, Forgiveness, Happy Ending, Kissing in the Snow, Love Confession, M/M, Max convinces Ash to go to Japan, Okumura Eiji Needs a Hug, Sadness, Snow, a ray of hope, but ends up hurting him, snowballs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-12
Updated: 2021-01-12
Packaged: 2021-03-17 03:13:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 12,167
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28717872
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PurplePirate83/pseuds/PurplePirate83
Summary: After Ash is dead, Eiji refuses to accept it and writes a letter to Ash asking him to come to Japan.But he doesn’t know if Ash still uses the address or if it will even reach him. But it’s his last ray of hope.Will Ash find his way back to Eiji? And will Eiji get the Christmas miracle he’s praying for?
Relationships: Ash Lynx & Okumura Eiji, Ash Lynx/Okumura Eiji, Max Lobo & Ash Lynx
Comments: 9
Kudos: 74





	1. A Last Ray Of Hope

**Author's Note:**

> I know that Christmas is over but I still needed a cheesy and sweet Christmas story. I hope you’ll still enjoy it🙂

"Ash is dead, Eiji. I'm so sorry."

That sentence Max had told him over the phone had been ringing endlessly in his ears like an echo. However, he had no choice but to believe him, especially when Max told him that he had found him bleeding out in the library of all places. Ash's safe haven and sanctuary. Max had said to him that he had come too late to save him.

After he had returned to Japan, he had learned of Ash's death from Max, who had called him. At the beginning, he refused to believe it. Ash had died before and had still always returned safely, after all. He had automatically assumed that it had to be a smart move, a diversion or just fake news. Ash probably had a reason why he had done that, a plan or a strategy. At least that's what he told himself because he couldn't accept the other possibility. That Ash really was... He just couldn't...

According to Max, Ash had already been dead when reaching the library. Max had apparently heard the doubt in his voice. While living with Ash, he had learned to question what people told him instead of accepting it as the truth. 

So, Max had mailed some photos to him. From Ash's death in the library. After looking through them after the phone call had ended, Eiji had finally broken down and cried until he had no tears left to shed. He had heard voices in front of his room, trying to comfort him, but he had locked himself in his room. He didn't want them to see him like that. He just kept crying, curling up into a ball on his bed, until his whole body was shaking uncontrollably and exhaustion finally overwhelmed him. 

When he woke up, he was calmer, sat up on his bed, and thought about everything he had learned from Max's phone call for a while. 

Eiji trusted Max so he wouldn't lie to him, would he? The longer Eiji thought about it, the more he realized that Max wouldn't tell him the truth if he was in on Ash's stunt... If he wanted to protect him or Ash had asked him to keep it secret from anyone else. He was Ash's dad, after all, and would do anything to keep him safe...

So, in the end, he didn't entirely believe him; there was still some doubt remaining behind that Ash would have died so easily. Even if Eiji knew he was self-destructive at times...

Eiji had seen the photos of Ash's supposed death. How Ash had been lying on his farewell letter, his bloody fingerprints mixing in with the tears he had shed... when he had seen that he couldn't stop the tears from falling again. He couldn't believe that Ash had spent his last moments resting on his farewell letter. As if that letter had been his most precious possession that he would never part with...

Eiji wiped his tears away to focus on the photos again and take a closer look at them than he had done before. Ash had taught him not to trust anyone’s information but to double-check if it was true. Not just to see but to observe.

And some things just didn't add up. Why hadn't anybody noticed Ash's bleeding wound? A stab wound like that had to draw attention. He would have left blood drops all the way up to his favorite seat in the library with such a bleeding wound. How hadn’t anyone noticed? The Rose Reading Room was on the third floor, after all. It made sense that the blood wouldn't have been visible on his black sweater if you hadn't taken a closer look. Still, his coat he had worn that day had been in a much lighter color, and there had been no blood spatters on it anywhere. Not even on his sleeves, although at least one of Ash's hands had been covered in blood. So, why had there been blood splatters on his letter but not on the coat, his face or the table? In one of the photos, Ash had both of his hands on the table. And yet, his hand, that he had used to cover up his bloody wound, was clean as a whistle without any traces of blood remaining on it or the table it was resting on.

However, what shocked Eiji the most was the smile on his face. In the photo, he looked so at ease with himself as if he had made peace with the world. Death would free Ash from his pain, his terrifying memories, and his heinous crimes so that he could enjoy pure freedom for the first time. At least, that’s the way Ash would see it…

When he saw that Ash had decided to rest on his farewell letter, which had obviously been the reason for his tears, he wanted to fly right back to check if Ash was really dead. He didn't believe it the last time, and he didn't believe it now. There were too many inconsistencies in the photos. He wanted to check, to make sure, to see the truth with his own eyes. Ash's tears were proof that he returned his feelings, that Ash and he shared a special bond, so he was convinced that he would have noticed Ash's death. He would have felt it in the depths of his soul. In his heart. In every fiber of his being. 

Looking back, he had also noticed it when Ash had been stabbed. He had been at the airport at the time and had instinctively known something had happened to him... He had even heard Ash's voice at the time. At that moment, he had assumed that he had imagined it, but in retrospect, he had realized that it had been Ash's soul calling out to him... They were soul bound, after all. 

Still, his mom and sister had begged him to stay when hearing of his plans. And if he was sincere, he had already realized that it would be impossible for him to fly back alone with his painful injury when he could barely walk or even stand at the moment. He wasn't as tough as Ash, after all. Ash would have probably flown the plane back himself with such an injury, telling him it was just a scratch...

He had to smile when imagining that.

So, instead of accepting the truth and breaking down or flying back to the US, he had looked for a middle ground. A compromise. He had reflected on his options and had concluded that he had to find a way to reach Ash. To contact him. But how...?

Since Max would be in cahoots with Ash or his accomplice as his _dad_ , contacting him was out of the question. Ash's gang wouldn't know his whereabouts, either. Ash was way too stubborn and didn't trust anyone. Except for maybe Max and him. So he wouldn't have told anyone else about his survival. He would have probably gotten a fake ID and had moved somewhere else. It seemed like a hopeless endeavor, but it was his only chance. So, he wouldn't give up so easily. 

Eiji looked for clues in all the things he'd brought back from New York, looked through all of his photos, his suitcase, his clothes, his camera equipment, his backpack, all the souvenirs, gifts from Ash's gang and Sing but couldn't find anything. In frustration, he kicked his bag into a corner with much more force than he had intended. 

That's when he saw it. His kick had made the rest of the items fall out. His purse had also fallen out, and many American coins, dimes and cents along with Japanese yen had rolled across the floor. With the cash, tickets for the subway, the Circle Line and some notes with phone numbers from Ash and his gang had also rolled across the floor. Those of Ash weren't up to date anymore since Ash switched phones and e-mail-addresses on a regular basis so he wouldn't get tracked down. But that wasn't what had drawn his attention. 

He had found a little note on the floor. A note he had nearly forgotten and that Ash had handed him some time ago. He had told him that it was an address for emergencies that would always reach him. His hideouts changed all the time, as did his phone numbers and all other contact info. But he told him that this address was a secret P.O. Box under a fake name that only a few selected people knew of. And that he should never tell anyone else about it. 

Eiji had wanted to stay in contact with Ash and had relentlessly bugged Ash about it until he had admitted defeat, handing him an address to contact him in case he was forced to return to Japan sooner than expected. He had realized that Ash would never contact him on his own; that's why he had asked him again and again until Ash had finally given in. 

_That_ _’s_ _it! That's how_ _I can_ _reach him!_ _,_ Eiji thought, a spark of hope kindling inside of him. A real smile escaped his lips for the first time in days.

If the letter weren’t answered in six weeks, he’d accept Ash's death. Even so, he desperately hoped it wouldn't come to that...

But first, he would write him a letter and tell him everything Ash needed to know. About his life here, his feelings, the pain and hurt when learning of his death, and that he would always be welcome in Izumo... 

He desperately clung to the idea that his letter would reach Ash. It needed to reach him! He prayed to all the Gods in this world that Ash still used this P.O. Box and still checked it now and then... 

He held on to that thought like a lifeline. He had no clue what he'd do if he wouldn't get an answer... but he'd figure it out if he'd reach that point. 

So, he began to take notes of what he wanted to tell Ash. It was a lot, so he didn't just start writing it but planned it out with military precision. Ash had probably rubbed off on him with his meticulous planning. 

Still, he had the feeling that this letter was the most significant and meaningful one he'd ever write in his entire life. Even more important than his farewell letter. He had to think back to the photo where Ash was lying on his farewell letter as if sleeping, his bloody fingers smearing the letter, the blood mixing in with his tears. 

Tears began to fall on the paper, but Eiji stubbornly shook his head and wiped his tears away. He could cry later. Now, he had to focus on the letter. This letter could change his life forever. It could save him or destroy him. Still, he had to try no matter what. It was his only glimmer of hope. 

He continued taking notes, and when he was satisfied, he looked for some paper for the letter. But first, he wrote his and Ash's address on the envelope:

_To_

_Christopher Winston_

_99 Wall Street, Suite 1208_

_New York, NY 10005_

When he stared at the paper, he wondered how his life would have been if Ash would have come to Japan with him—playing all the what-if scenarios through in his mind. 

He had often imagined how their everyday life would look like. He would probably look through a stack of photos while Ash would read a book next to him. Now and then, they would share a glance or a smile. Or Ash's perfect face would rest on his lap while he would read a book while looking up at him now and then.

Each evening they would watch a movie where Ash would explain all the inconsistencies and illogical events to Eiji. At the same time, Eiji would try to teach Ash just to enjoy the movie even if it had flaws reminding him that one of the most significant masterpieces in literature had flaws as well but were still famous.

He'd show Ash Izumo and many other cities in Japan and would teach him Japanese and about Japanese culture and traditions. Ash would slowly heal, and he'd take away his nightmares by holding him close and making him feel safe. 

Ash would find a job in a bookstore or library, and he'd become a photographer, and they'd find happiness and would complete each other... Eiji had often dreamed about that, wishing it would come true. But maybe it wasn't too late. Perhaps if he wished for it strongly enough, it would still come true...

Tears rolled down his cheek, the droplets falling on the sheet of paper. Eiji wiped them away and began to write. Maybe the tears would emphasize how sad and lost he felt without him. How much he loved him. How much we wished he would be by his side. Forever. 

_Dear Ash,_

_I don't exactly know what happened to you, but I hope you're fine._

_People keep telling me you're dead, but I refuse to believe that, Ash. We shared a special bond, so I would have felt it if you had died. I learned that you were stabbed, which is probably the only part that was true because I could feel your injury and the pain deep within my soul. I instinctively knew something had happened to you. So I'm convinced that I would have felt your death, too. We are bound by fate, after all, and each share half of one soul. We complete each other. I bet you have felt it, too. That what we have is unique and rare._

_I don't know why you do this to me, Ash, but knowing you, it's probably your way of protecting me. I can understand that, I really do. You're probably scared that you put me in danger again. Or hurt me. However, none of this has ever been your fault. I hope you know that, Ash._

_And you realized that if you told me that you were alive, I'd come looking for you even if you told me not to do it. Injured or not. You probably just wanted to make sure that I'll stay where I'm safe and my injury can heal, right?_

_But please understand that I'd rather be in constant danger and have a shorter life than be separated from you for the rest of my life. My life is only worth living with you in it. So I wish you'd find a way to come here and stay by my side. My life is so empty and meaningless without you. Please tell me at least that you're alive. I'm worried about you, Ash. I need to know you're safe as well. And after all we've been through together, I deserve the truth from you, Ash_ _!_

_If you think I'm happy now because I'm back in a peaceful country, you are wrong and have seriously miscalculated the desired outcome with that smart mind of yours. You should know me better, As_ _h!_ _Even if I was in constant danger, I had the best time of my life by your side. No one can ever take that away from me._

_Without you here, the world turned into a black and white movie for me while the rest of the world lives in a world full of color. Everyone tells me to move on, but how am I supposed to do that? Tell me, Ash!_

_It feels as if a part of me, of my heart and soul, is missing_ _;_ _as if there's a gaping hole i_ _nside me_ _that causes me pain each day but can't be healed. Instead, the hole gets bigger, and the pain intensifies with each passing day. Because you're the only one who can close it, Ash._

_Until I met you, I've never noticed that there was a void deep within me that screamed to be completed. I didn't even realize this hole existed within me until I met an incredible life force like you. You made me believe that everything’s possible. It was from the time I met you that I said ‘_ _Yes’_ _to the world._

_You made me feel alive for the first time, and my soul was always magically drawn towards you. Like opposite poles of a magnet, we have opposing personalities and backgrounds, but if we're together, we form the most powerful bond ever and bring out the best in each other._

_You're the strongest, bravest, smartest and most stubborn person I've ever met. I admired your willpower, your intellect and your refusal to give up no matter how desperate the situation. I admired that because, back in Japan, I had given up so easily. It made me feel pathetic because my experiences weren't even worth mentioning compared to what you've gone through._

_While staying with you, I_ _saw in your eyes and behind your poker face how much you had suffered and how much you were_ _still_ _hurting. That your spirit was wounded. You allowed me to see your inner torment, your bleeding heart and your shattered soul. And I saw a little, scared boy that you've buried deep inside but that I wished to protect at all costs. I've always wanted to heal your broken self and teach you to forgive yourself for the crimes you've done._

_But most of all, I wanted you to be happy. I wanted to_ _offer you_ _a quiet and ordinary life and prove to you each day that life can also be beautiful._

_I wished I could have stayed by your side to show you that you're worthy of being by my side. That you deserve happiness, a better life in a peaceful country and the life you've always dreamed of. This life is still possible, Ash. I told you that you could change your fate! We can still have a future together, can fight, laugh and tease each other and spend the rest of our lives together. I know that behind your stubborn attitude, you're dreaming about it, too! That dream can still come true, Ash!_

_I often imagined how it would be to spend my time here together with you. We'd make little trips to Tokyo, Mount Fuji or Kyoto. I'd show you the temple where my sister bought the lucky charm I showed you. We'd live together in a little but cozy apartment where I'd have a small photo studio, and you'd have a little library with towers of books everywhere. With some time, you'd slowly heal and learn to trust people again and to forgive yourself. I'd show you each day that life is_ _worth living_ _and would teach you Japanese while we'd look through our photos from New York and all the precious memories we'd have created in Japan._

_In the end, I'd become a photographer, and you'd work at a library. We'd spend our lives together and would teach each other what true happiness and unconditional love feels like for the rest of our lives. We'd bicker and fight, smile and laugh, tease and argue before we'd fall asleep together on the couch while watching a movie. You have to admit, that sounds great._

_Without you here, I can feel how my depression slowly returns and will overpower me one day. I felt the same right after my pole vaulting injury. Nothing matters anymore. Not without you, Ash. Since I've learned of your supposed death, I've forgotten how to smile, how to enjoy all the little things in life because I'd rather share all these experiences with you. Like the first snow this year, enjoying the Christmas lights, celebrating Christmas or New Year's Eve._

_All those things would bring me much more joy if I could enjoy them together with you, Ash. Without you, all the moments of joy fade away into nothingness because a part of m_ _y soul_ _is missing. I know that my family worries about me, and I'm so sorry I've put them through this, but I don't know how I should go on without you. I miss you every second of my life. My whole world aches for you. Please give us a chance, Ash._

_You gave my life a new meaning, Ash. Please know that you mean the world to me, and I can't imagine a life without you. We were meant to meet. That wasn't a coincidence; it was fate! We're destined to be together, Ash. I know you don't believe in fate, but I certainly do._

_Please come to Izumo. I would have_ _instantly_ _come back for you, but I still_ _had_ _trouble walking and would have only been a burden to you at the time. I'm better now, but it's not entirely healed. If you feel the same way, please come here. I promise you that we'll find happiness here. Together, Ash._

_My address is on the envelope._

_I need you, ok? And you deserve a better life, and you certainly deserve me as much as I deserve you. We belong together. We are connected soul to soul._

_I told you in my last letter that my soul is always with you. That feeling hasn't changed. Please come to Japan. I'll show you the peaceful and quiet life you deserve. I’ll rearrange the world for you! Please, Ash! It's not too late! You can still have a second chance. Come to Japan and live here with me. That's my only wish._

_Ash, if this letter really reaches you, please respond in any way, ok? I need to know that you're safe, at least._

_I know that we'll see each other again one day. I steadfast believe in that. Maybe, if I'm lucky or pray for a Christmas miracle, you'll stand on my doorstep one day._

_I'll be waiting for you, Ash, no matter how long it takes. I promised you to stay by your side. And I will_ _._ _Even if you choose not to come, even if you're too afraid to put me in danger again, I'll always be by your side._ _Physical distance can't separate us. We'll always live in each other's souls._

_You'll always be in my thoughts, Ash. Forever._

_Eiji_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chris(topher) Winston was the name Ash used in the manga when he pretended to be Max’s son and Max pretended to be a wealthy congressman or something similar. 
> 
> I had so much fun writing that letter although it took up most of my time.
> 
> Please leave a vote, a comment or a bookmark/subscription if you’ve enjoyed this story, they encourage me to write more.


	2. A Letter From Japan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ash receives Eiji’s letter from Japan. Will Eiji’s letter convince him to go to Japan?

"Ash, there's a letter for you. It was forwarded from your old PO Box. You should read it. You'll recognize the handwriting." Max called out to him from the hallway. When hearing that, he walked into the hallway.

"A letter for me? Who'd write letters to a dead man? You didn't slip up and told someone about me being alive, did you?", Ash asked, frowning at him. 

"I didn't. But there was someone who didn't believe me. Not entirely. I could hear it in his voice when I informed him of your death, Ash. That was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life, by the way.”

When Ash looked at him in confusion, Max smiled mysteriously and handed him the letter.

"Just open it.”

After faking his death, he had moved to L.A. with Max and Jessica to lay low there for a while. What he'd do after that, he had no clue. 

He couldn't go back to New York. Too many people would recognize him. He was not only a vicious and feared gang leader but also the adoptive son of one of New York’s most influential businessmen, whichsounded much nicer than mafia boss. So his death had made the headlines of every damn American newspaper and all the news channels for weeks. In that situation, all he could do was wait until the media found another poor soul to focus on. People still knew what he looked like, and he was supposed to be dead. And he wanted it to stay that way. As long as everyone thought he had been killed, he was free. And in L.A., no one knew him. And Max’s and Jessica’s house was in a smaller town next to L.A., not in the city itself.

Max had suggested that he should go to Japan when everything was over. Ash had managed to get a professionally forged passport and driver's license with a fake name, so flying to Japan was technically possible. Even so, he couldn't do that. Eiji deserved someone better than him and a quiet and normal life. He had probably already forgotten about him... 

Eiji deserved someone normal from his world. He would only bring danger to Eiji, and a troublemaker like him would only complicate his life. He'd just be a burden with his nightmares, his trauma and his panic attacks. Still, he wondered who would contact him when everyone knew about his death. The news about his death had spread across New York like a wildfire, and Ash had made sure that this time everyone took it as face value.

Ash reluctantly walked over and took the envelope from Max. He looked at the handwriting and gasped in surprise, staring at the envelope in disbelief. 

He'd recognize this clumsy handwriting anywhere. It still looked like that of a grade-schooler. Or as if it belonged to someone who wasn't used to the English writing system. Ash couldn't help but smile when seeing his childish scrawl. It suited him; his writing was as innocent and pure as he was. 

Ash remembered how he had always teased Eiji about it when he wrote him notes while staying with him. Eiji had always done so to make sure he knew that he wasn't alone. That someone was always waiting for him to return. Eiji had gotten that cute little pout and had feigned annoyance, telling him he'd never leave notes for him again. But the spark of happiness in his brown eyes had always betrayed him. They had always loved their bickering and had enjoyed teasing each other. And Eiji had never stopped writing him little notes, either. Ash had secretly loved them, and he was sure that Eiji had also realized how much they had meant to him. 

"It's from Eiji? But how -?", he muttered in surprise while sitting down on a table in their living room. He looked for his glasses, put them on his nose and stared at the address Eiji had written on the envelope. 

That's when he remembered that Eiji had asked him for an address where he could always reach him. A permanent address that wouldn’t change. Eiji had probably realized that he wouldn't contact Eiji himself. Back in New York, Eiji had often written him messages or sent him pictures. He had rarely replied but had always seen them. Eiji had just told him that he didn't mind as long as they helped him. Since Eiji knew that he frequently changed his burner phones and his e-mail addresses, he just wanted a way to contact him, which didn't change all the time.

And since Eiji and he never knew if they'd even survive the following day or if Eiji would suddenly be forced to fly back to Japan, he had finally surrendered and had given him what he had wished for. A permanent address where he could always reach him. The only address that never changed was a PO box under a fake name. Still, that had been some months ago, so he had forgotten all about it. But apparently, Eiji hadn't... 

With trembling fingers, he opened the envelope. It took him several tries to open it since he had a feeling that Eiji's letter could change his life. Just like his farewell letter, which he had kept despite all the bloody fingerprints and smudges all over it. And which he secretly reread every time he felt down or when he had nightmares. 

He finally managed to remove the letter and began to read it. He noticed Eiji's clumsy English handwriting, but even before reading Eiji's words, he instantly saw that something was wrong. Eiji's handwriting was messier than usual, and his words were smeared now and then. His handwriting looked as if his hand had been shaking while writing, and there were some blotches on the paper. On those spots, the paper was wrinkled. It had been wet and had dried again. It looked as if... No, that couldn't be... Eiji was back in Japan. He was recovering from his injury, was safe and had gone back to his everyday life, right? So, why were there tears on his letter...? 

_'Because you told him you were dead, idiot.',_ an inner voice told him, and he felt deep within him that this was undeniably the truth. A truth he had buried deep within himself and had stubbornly ignored. He had stubbornly convinced himself that Eiji would be better off without him, too afraid that he'd lead his enemies right to his doorstep and that he'd hurt Eiji again. He had talked himself into cutting off any ties to Eiji, setting him free. That it would be better that way. Someone as broken as him with so many awful memories, traumatic experiences and constant nightmares would only cause him trouble anyway. Ash couldn't do that to Eiji. And after killing so many people, committing so many heinous crimes, he didn't deserve someone as selfless as Eiji. He'd just pull him into the darkness with him. He'd eventually be his downfall...

So he had suppressed all thoughts that, in reality, he wished for nothing more than to see him again, to see his warm and shining eyes that turned golden when he smiled... feel his gentle touch when he hugged him and the warmth that spread through his body that he had never felt before. Eiji had taught him not just to exist but to live again. With his help, he had learned to smile and cry, to feel and to trust again. Eiji's presence had always soothed him and made him feel human and like an ordinary teenager. With Eiji, he would laugh and cry, bicker and tease, fight and argue. Eiji had never been afraid of him, had never judged him when he broke down and had always found the right words to say to comfort him. 

_I wished I could be by your side, Eiji. I'm so grateful for every second I got to spend with you. But I did this for you, so you would be able to move on. You were supposed to forget about me, find someone else who loves you, someone ordinary and harmless who deserves you more and lead a happy life in a safe town like Izumo..._

_I just wanted you to go back to the everyday life you've led before meeting me. That was all I cared about. That you would return to a peaceful country at the other end of the world where you'd be out of danger... and find happiness eventually._

Ash had never expected Eiji to contact him. Especially if he had learned of his death. However, Eiji hadn't bought the lie about his death the last time, either. All the prominent newspapers and TV channels had broadcasted it, but still, Eiji hadn't fallen for it and had even tried to convince his gang to save him. Was it really possible that he knew that he was still alive? But how -?

_I could feel your injury and the pain deep within my soul..._

_I'm convinced I would have felt your death, too._

That was impossible, right? Eiji couldn't have felt his injury. But what if he could...? When he had been stabbed, his thoughts had really been about Eiji. He had always been empathetic, so maybe he did feel it? Eiji was always honest, so he had no other choice than to believe him. At least, that would explain why he had never believed that he was dead...

He had made sure that everybody knew he was dead. Max had even written an article about his death with photos confirming it. Eiji was supposed to accept his death and find closure. Move on with his life and lead the life he wished for. But when reading the letter, it became apparent that Eiji wasn't happy at all. Instead, he was suffering. And he was the one who had made him suffer. That was the last thing he wanted to do... Fuck, what had he done to him...?

_If you think I'm happy now because I'm back in a peaceful country, you're wrong..._

That's what Eiji had written in his letter. Usually, Eiji would be more polite, would have wrapped it into much nicer words. Still, he knew that Ash was terrible at reading between the lines, so he had told him directly what he needed to know, not to blame him but to explain the situation to him carefully. To make him understand that Ash's anticipations had been wrong. 

_... have seriously miscalculated the desired outcome with that smart mind of yours. You should know me better, Ash!... I had the best time of my life by your side._

Tears slowly ran down his cheeks, falling onto the letter. Ash quickly wiped them away and moved the letter to the side, not wanting to destroy Eiji's writing with his tears. He dried the spots of the letter where his tears had fallen and continued reading. But the letter became blurry because his tears wouldn’t stop falling.

He took a deep breath to calm himself down and wiped his remaining tears away.

_Everyone tells me to move on, but how am I supposed to do that? ..._

_... there's a hole i_ _nside me_ _that causes me pain each day but can't be healed. Instead, the hole gets bigger, and the pain intensifies with each passing day. Because you're the only one who can close it, Ash._

In all his planning, the thought had never occurred to him that his actions would cause Eiji such an immense amount of pain. He had assumed that Eiji would be freed of him after his death and would find happiness after returning to his ordinary world. That he would have moved on, forgetting about him…

Even so, after all he had gone through, after he had caused him tremendous pain, Eiji still wanted him to come to Japan. He had made that perfectly clear and had asked him to come to him several times in his letter as if repeating it over and over would drill the thought into his stubborn mind until it finally got through to him. Until he'd believe it.

_Come to Japan and live here with me..._

_I'll rearrange the world for you..._

_We'll always live in each other's souls._

He took off his glasses after reading the letter for the third time. Tears streamed down his face, and he wiped them away before anyone could see them. His whole body was shaking, and the mere thought that Eiji was suffering because of his stubborn actions was tormenting him. It was like a stab directly into his heart.

What was he supposed to do now? He was torn between the desire to run to the airport and fly to Japan right now and the warning bells ringing in his head that it was better to keep his distance if he wanted Eiji to be safe.

Eiji was suffering so much. He had to do something, anything… He couldn't do that to him. His heart just shattered when he imagined how much pain his actions had caused Eiji… He had to set things right as quickly as possible.

_I'll be waiting for you. No matter how long it takes._

Eiji would really wait for him, even if it took him years to muster up enough courage to go to him… Ash was dead certain Eiji would do that.

_Come back safely. I’ll be waiting for you. Forever._

Those were Eiji”s words that he told him shortly before he left Dino’s mansion. Back then, he hadn’t dared to believe them. But after his farewell letter and the letter he’d been reading now, he finally realized that Eiji never made empty promises. If he told him he’d wait for him, he would do it. He could also be stubborn as hell if he set his mind on something.

But what had shattered his heart to the core was the end of Eiji's letter. 

_Even if you choose not to come, even if you're too afraid to put me in danger again, I'll always be by your side._ _Physical distance can't separate us... We'll always live in each other's souls._

_You'll always be in my thoughts, Ash. Forever._

Tears ran down his face again when he reread the end, contemplating what he should do now. He hadn't deserved someone as pure and selfless as Eiji. But even if Eiji suffered because of him, he still wanted him to stay by his side and come to Japan.

Eiji had even understood his reasons why he was hesitating to go to him perfectly well and would forgive him even if he wouldn’t dare to come.

_You'll always be in my thoughts, Ash._

Eiji never blamed or judged him but instead tried to understand his motives and take away his fears and worries. This last phrase had finally convinced him to change his mind. If he was sincere, he wished for nothing more than to be by his side.

But would it be alright? What if he hurt Eiji again? What if he was just a burden? What if Eiji abandoned him, too? Everyone else had done it before him. It's because he wasn't worth it... He was just a troublemaker, that would never change... And he didn't deserve a better life or happiness. Not after he had just done to Eiji... At the same time, he knew that Eiji would get seriously mad at him for thinking like that. He’d tell him that he had deserved a second chance and a peaceful life.

_I’ll rearrange the world for you._

What if he could change his life? Be reborn or accept the second chance that Eiji was offering him? He’d love to see Eiji’s country and the peaceful world he had always been talking about. A life without weapons.

_Eiji, what am I supposed to do now? Would you really forgive me for everything so easily? Can I really be this selfish and see you again...?_

He ran his hands through his hair and gripped some strands forcefully while his whole body was shaking. All those different emotions overwhelmed him: hope and despair, happiness and sorrow, forgiveness and guilt, fear and trust. All those contrasting feelings swirling around in his head caused him to get a throbbing headache and made him feel dizzy… 

He nearly jumped when Max began speaking right next to him. He hadn't even noticed his presence at all...

"Ash, what's wrong? Have you been crying?", Max asked in surprise while scrutinizing his face.

Was that worry on that old man's face? Ash abruptly got up and stubbornly wanted to leave without a word. He didn't want Max to see him like that. But Max gently but firmly gripped his shoulder, turned to him and looked directly into his eyes.

"Tell me what's wrong, Ash, ok? Maybe I can help you or at least offer you some advice.”

Ash wanted to slap his hand away, to run away, to escape. Still, seeing the concern and the soft look on Max's face, he decided that he didn't deserve such treatment. Max was as stubborn as him, so they often butted heads. Yet, at the same time, they were both pretty similar in character, and Max had repeatedly defended him in front of Jessica and took his side, explaining his stubborn behavior to her. Even Ash could tell that Max cared. He was one of the selected few adults he trusted. And Max had given him a place to stay without the slightest hesitation. So had Jessica. Together with their little son Michael, it felt like the closest thing to a home he had experienced so far.

Except for the time he had shared an apartment with Eiji. Eiji had turned even the shadiest and most rundown hideout into a home for him.

_Eiji..._

He slowly relaxed and sighed in frustration. Before he could stop it, another tear rolled down his face, and he started trembling again, clutching Eiji's letter to his chest like a lifeline. Max slowly moved closer and put an arm around his shoulder. 

"Let me take an educated guess. Since the letter is from Eiji, he probably asked you to come to Japan, right?" Ash just nodded quietly, wiping away his tears. 

"Then, the answer is simple. Grab your things and go to Japan." Before Ash could interrupt him, Max continued quickly.

"Please, listen to me for a moment, Ash. What do you want to do? What is your dream? Your wish? And please don't hide behind lame excuses that danger will always follow you or that you don't deserve happiness after what you've done in the past. None of that matters to Eiji, and you know it. And it’s not the real reason for your hesitation.", Max told him honestly, taking his excuses away before Ash could use them. Damn that old man. 

Ash didn't respond and continued to stare at the floor. His hands clenched into fists so hard his knuckles turned white, and his arms were trembling again. Seeing that, Max put an arm around him and hugged him. Ash felt how the tension left his body, and he let his head fall on Max's shoulder, hugging him back.

"I - I want to see him again.", he quietly mumbled, his voice cracking at the end. 

But I can't - "

"Sure, you can. But you’re scared."

"I'm not scared!", Ash exclaimed in a harsh voice, pulling out of the hug abruptly before his eyes burned dangerously, glaring at him.

"I wasn't finished.", Max replied calmly as if he had expected that reaction from Ash. "You're scared that Eiji will change his mind if he sees you again. Scared that you’ll be abandoned again. Scared because you've never been to Japan and therefore can't anticipate what will happen or plan a strategy. You're blind and can't foresee anything. But Ash, you can't plan everything in life. Sometimes it's a good thing to be surprised by what life has in store for you." 

When Ash remained silent, Max looked at him with an intensity that caught Ash off guard. "Eiji would never abandon you. He'd do anything for you. And he's good for you. He calms you down, comforts you and makes you smile. He's your source of happiness. Your light out of the darkness."

"I know that!", Ash replied furiously. Then he sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "I just don't deserve happiness or someone like Eiji after all I've done. How can everyone forgive me so easily when I can’t even forgive myself?

"What about Eiji's happiness?"

"What do you mean?" Ash looked at him, frowning in confusion. Max smiled sadly at him, then shook his head in disbelief.

"There's one thing you don't know, no matter how smart you may be. You still haven't realized that you, Ash, are Eiji's source of happiness. Eiji was happier and more lively when he was around you. You believed in him and gave him self-confidence, courage and strength. Go to him, you idiot. If you don't, you'll regret it for the rest of your life. You don't want Eiji to suffer any longer, do you?", he asked him while his penetrating gaze bore into him. 

"But why does he want me to come if I made him suffer for months? Why doesn't he hate me, judge me or blame me for everything?", Ash asked sadly. "I just don't get it."

“Eiji doesn’t blame you because he knows you well and knows that you meant well by staying away from him. He realized that your motives were pure but tells you that your way of handling this matter was not helping him. So, he offers you another option, one that will make both of you happy.”Max explained patiently.

“Hasn't Eiji explained all of that in his letter to you?", Max asked curiously, pointing to the letter he was still holding.

As an answer, Ash simply handed him the letter. "Read it for yourself."

Max was silent and carefully read the letter for a moment. Then he looked up at Ash, his ice-blue eyes piercing his own. 

"Ash, if you don't go to Japan after reading this letter, you're the most heartless and cruel person on this planet. Eiji wrote this while crying; you realize that, don't you?", he simply asked him.

"He is suffering. And it was your selfish decision that made him suffer. I told you that your decision to convince Eiji that you're dead is wrong, but you didn't listen to me. It was your actions that hurt him.", Max reminded him sternly. "You should have known how much you meant to Eiji. And that your death would destroy him. You were both so close you should have realized what this information would do to him. Aren't you a genius?"

"It wasn't supposed to be like that! I wanted Eiji to forget about me and move on!", Ash cried out desperately.”I'd never have thought he'd suffer this much.", he defended himself, but at this point, it was only half-heartedly because he knew Max was right. He looked up at Max in confusion.

"What am I supposed to do now, dad?" He stood there with slumped shoulders and started at his feet. "I'm the worst. I wanted to protect Eiji, but instead, I was the one hurting him the most.” 

Max put a hand on his shoulder. "That's obvious, Ash. You have to set things right again. Go to Japan. Apologize to Eiji and explain your motives to him. I'm sure he'll understand your behavior. So, make up for it for the rest of your life. By staying with Eiji."

" Will it really be alright?"

“You both will only find happiness when you're together. And you owe it to Eiji to put him out of his misery. Go to the address on this letter, make him smile again and buy him a Christmas present. And it'd better be a good one."

"Huh?" Ash stared at him in surprise, eyes widening. 

In the letter, Eiji tells you that he's waiting for your reply in six weeks. Now is the sixth week, my little genius. It's right before Christmas, so the letter probably arrived later than it usually would. It had to be forwarded to this address first, after all. So, a written answer will arrive too late. And writing an e-mail to such a letter would be completely insensitive and rude. Give Eiji an answer to that letter in person. Eiji prayed for a Christmas miracle. That you'd be standing on his doorstep, so grant him his wish. Make sure his Christmas miracle will come true."

"But Christmas is in two days!", Ash exclaimed in astonishment, his eyes widening.

“Then, you’d better start packing."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love the relationship of Max and Ash as father and son.   
> Max is the dad Ash deserves. So, I thought that Ash would move to him until things about his death calmed down.


	3. A Christmas Miracle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Ash stands in front of Eiji’s door, he doesn’realize it’s Ash and his sister sends him away. Only then, he realizes that his sister was talking English...
> 
> Will he be able to catch up to Ash who has already left?

To Eiji, this Christmas Eve felt like the longest day ever. His mom and sister were rushing around the house, cleaning the house, cooking and looking for Christmas decorations, Christmas lights and bulbs for their tree. 

Usually, Eiji was looking forward to Christmas and decorating every room with Christmas decorations, artificial snow and candles. He enjoyed turning their home into a winter wonderland and wrapping presents and writing Christmas cards for his family. He always cooked a Christmas meal with his mom and baked some Christmas cookies and delicious cakes together with his sister. 

He was usually the one who enjoyed it the most. For him, Christmas was a magical moment where everyone was more cheerful, and the atmosphere was relaxing, and everything around him shone brighter and more beautiful. He had also been the one who had insisted they needed a Christmas tree and Christmas decorations. He also loved the Christmas lights that were always installed around Izumo that were beautiful to look at. 

Only this year, his heart wasn't into it. His last ray of hope had vanished. He had clung to the thought that Ash would reply, that he'd at least get an answer that he's alive. A letter. An e-mail. A phone call. Anything. He'd never prayed more for a Christmas miracle...

Maybe he should grow up and stop believing in things like that as his mom had told him to. He had always believed in things adults didn't believe in. Like Christmas as a magical moment. Or miracles. Fate and soul mates. Lucky charms.

But how could he stop believing in miracles when a small Christmas miracle had happened overnight. During the night, it had snowed so much that their garden and all the streets were covered in snow. It looked so beautiful and perfect like in a fairy tale and had convinced Eiji that magic and miracles existed. The snow was proof to Eiji that there was still some hope left. Because the only thing he had wished for besides a message from Ash was a white Christmas, so maybe, his other wish would still come true... Perhaps it was a sign. A smile slowly spread across his face. 

He decided to stop sulking in his room and instead help with the Christmas preparations. He had just reached the bottom of the stairs when his mom asked him to help her put up the Christmas tree in the Christmas tree stand. 

Together with his mom, he put up the Christmas tree, and they decorated it in gold and red together with his sister. Eiji tried his best to act cheerful and prepare for a perfect Christmas Eve dinner together. 

When his mom was satisfied and said that everything looked perfect, he went back to his room and wrapped his Christmas presents for his mom and sister. He wrapped the last gift that was for someone else just in case his Christmas miracle would still come true. He hadn't given up hope yet. Christmas was just beginning, after all. 

He looked through one of his photo books he had made with photos from New York. Tears welled up in his eyes again when he saw the many photos he had taken of Ash and him together. He wished he could turn back time and go back there. Even if it had been dangerous, that was where he had been happiest...

Suddenly, his sister called out to him. "Eiji, there's someone at the door for you."

Eiji opened the door and called down. "Tell him to come back later. I'm busy right now." He didn't want any of his friends to see him after he had been crying. He heard his sister, Hana, replying something to the visitor when he suddenly stopped in his tracks and started listening intently. 

That's when he woke up from his self-pity instantly. He ran down to the front door at lightning-fast speed, but his visitor bad already left.

"Hana? Why did you talk to that person in English?", he asked her curiously. 

"Because he couldn't understand Japanese, obviously.", Hana said, rolling her eyes. "He said he was American."

"What?" Eiji gripped her shoulders a bit too strongly, nearly shaking her, then looked at her. Panic surged through him. There was only one American who’d stand in front of his door.

 _Maybe, if I'm lucky or pray for a Christmas miracle, you'll stand on my doorstep one day._ Those had been the words he had written in his letter to Ash.

"Why didn't you tell me that? What did he look like?", Eiji accused her. “You could have mentioned that he was American!”

"You told me you didn't want to see anyone. How exactly is that my fault now?", his sister complained to him. "He had blonde hair and looked like a supermod - "

"Hey, where are you going?", she asked, clearly irritated. But Eiji didn't hear her anymore. He had already put on his shoes and didn't bother with a jacket despite the heavy snow; that would take too much time. He had to catch up to him no matter what.

He looked around where he could have gone, to the left and the right end of the street. On the left, he just saw someone turning around a corner. Someone with golden hair, illuminated by the dim lighting of a street light. He ran after him as fast as he could despite the slippery ground.

"Ash! Stop!", Eiji desperately called out to him as loud as he could, not caring in the least that the whole street would hear him. 

The slender figure stopped in his tracks and slowly turned around. That's when he saw the golden hair and the emerald green eyes that he had missed so much. He ran towards him as fast as he could on the slippery ground covered in snow and ice.

Meanwhile, Ash had let go of his duffel bag and had let it fall to the ground, just staring at him. Eiji was still running when he slipped on the snowy ground and nearly fell to the ground. Ash caught him at the last second, but Eiji's speed caused them to both fall into the snow, Eiji on top of Ash. 

"Ouch. Clumsy as ever, I see.", Ash smirked at him. “Some things never change.”

"I missed you, too, Ash." Eiji snapped at him before removing some snow out of his face. Then, there was a long silence while they both stared at each other’s eyes in disbelief. Eiji recovered first. 

"You're really here!", Eiji finally said, beaming at him. "Please tell me this is not a dream."

Ash smiled softly at him. "It's not a dream. I'm here." Then his smile dimmed again and slowly faded away. "But if you don't want me to be here... Your sister said you didn't want to see me..." He looked sideways, away from Eiji. 

"I'm so sorry, Ash. But I couldn't have known it was you standing in front of the door. Or I wouldn't have reacted like that.", he explained to him patiently. “I’m so happy you’re here!”

"Oh. So, you want me to stay? Even if I've caused you so much pain and misery?" Ash's inner torment was reflected in his darkening green eyes. 

"Yes, I want you to stay. You've gotten my letter, right?"

"Yes. But it arrived late because it had been forwarded from my P.O. Box to L.A. I've only received it two days ago."

"Two days ago? I had no idea it would arrive this late.", Eiji exclaimed in disbelief. 

"But why L.A.?", he asked curiously. 

"After Max had saved me, I laid low in Max's and Jessica's house for a while. Until the news about my death had quieted down. In the meantime, I tried to get a fake ID.", Ash explained patiently. 

Then Eiji saw a mischievous glint in his eyes. "Your letter was even more cheesy than your farewell letter - Ouch!"

Eiji had poked him in the ribs while he glared at him. 

"And yet, you're here.", Eiji said, an amused glint in his eyes. Ash smiled softly at that. 

"Yeah. Your letter was cheesy, but it was the most beautiful letter I've ever received. It's made for movie screens and moved me to tears. As did your farewell letter. You told me I'd never be alone and that our souls are connected forever. That you'll always be by my side. I'll never forget your words, Eiji. Thank you!" A tear escaped Ash's eyes and rolled down his temple. 

Eiji wiped it away and smiled softly at him. "I see you're still a crybaby.", he teased him. "But I'm glad my letter and my feelings have reached you, Ash.", he added sincerely.

Eiji stood up again and reached for Ash's hand to pull him up as well. They both removed the snow from their clothes. 

Then Eiji shoved him backwards with a bit too much force. Ash lost his balance and fell into the snow again. Before he could recover, he had thrown a snowball into Ash’s face. "And if you ever do something like that to me again, I'll force-feed you natto for the rest of your life, and I’ll decorate our apartment with pumpkins.”

Ash grimaced. "That sounds like a nightmare.” Then his eyes softened as he smiled at him. “But I like the way you said _our apartment._ ”

“You could have avoided my snowball with your quick reflexes.”, Eiji told him while Ash moved the remaining snow out of his face.

“Yeah, I could have. But I deserved it. It was payback for making you suffer for so long.”

Eiji just nodded in understanding. When Ash got up again, Eiji pounded his fists against his chest. Ash didn't defend himself but stood there, frozen up. 

"How could you do this to me, Ash? Do you have any idea how much learning of your death has hurt me? I thought I'd never see you again!" Eiji's fists slowly stopped, then he held onto him and quietly sobbed into his chest. "I missed you so much, Ash. I couldn't imagine life without you. Don't ever do something like that to me again!"

Ash hesitated for a short moment; then he put his arms around him. 

"I'm sorry, Eiji. I caused you so much pain. Are you really sure you want me to stay? I thought my death would set you free, and you'd get a chance of a normal life. That you’d forget me. I was afraid that I'd put you in danger again. I didn't know my death would cause you so much pain. I'm so sorry. Will you forgive me?" 

When Eiji looked up at him, he couldn't hide his smile when he saw a hint of fear flickering in Ash's eyes. He was still afraid of being abandoned or rejected. It was kind of cute, so he waited for a moment too long before giving him his answer. He realized that he was tormenting Ash, but that was his little revenge. 

"Of course. I thought it was your way of protecting me. And I could never forget you, Ash. Besides, it's my fault as well. I've never told you how I really feel about you."

"After all the things I've done, all the people I've killed, all the crimes I've committed. How can you like someone with such a tainted soul and hands dripping with blood? I've never really understood why you stayed all this time. You could have found someone normal, someone safe..." The pure sorrow reflected in Ash's eyes broke Eiji's heart. Ash was still convinced he didn't deserve love or happiness. Or him. Well, he would change that. Eiji pulled out of the hug and looked into his eyes to make sure Ash understood what he’d say next.

“Ash, I don't want anyone else. I want you. You’re the only one for me. We're soulmates, spirit bound. If it were possible to turn back time, I’d still choose you. Every time. I know that you can't see it yet, but you have a pure soul and a kind heart. I can see it reflected in your eyes.", Eiji quietly insisted. 

"I want to wake up next to you each morning and fall asleep next to you each night. I want to teach you how to forgive yourself and see how the darkness in your eyes slowly fades away and is replaced by happiness. I want to create unforgettable memories together with you. I'll prove to you each day that life can be beautiful.” He smiled encouragingly at Ash. Ash gave him an incredulous look. He probably thought it was too good to be true. He could still see the doubt lingering in the depths of Ash's eyes. 

Eiji took both of his hands in his and moved a bit closer. "Ash, what do you want to do? Why did you come here? What is your wish for Christmas? You must have one, or you wouldn't be here." 

Ash avoided his gaze and instead looked around at the other houses, the street, the snowflakes dancing in the cold winter breeze. Then he looked down at their joined hands and tightened the grip, his hand trembling as he did so. 

Eiji didn't say anything but waited patiently for his answer. Ash wasn't good with words, especially when it came to emotions or his wishes. He had given up dreams and hope a long time ago. The idea that someone would ask him about his wishes or future decisions about his own life was still something new to him. 

"I - I wanted to see you again, Eiji. That's all." His voice was so low it was barely a whisper. When he slowly looked up at him, uncertainty flickered in his eyes. 

"And then? What do you want to do now that you've seen me again?" Eiji let go of his hands and put a hand on his shoulder. Ash was silent for a moment. Then his head dropped on his shoulder. 

"Can I stay here? With you?" Eiji gently stroked his blonde hair. Then he moved a bit away from him, so he'd see Ash's face. He wiped a tear away that was running down his cheek. "Of course, you can stay." 

Then he crossed his arms and glared at him, pretending to be offended. 

"You're sure that you've read my letter? What part of _I can't imagine a life without you_ didn't you understand? Aren't you a genius?"

"I thought I'd stay alone forever. That I don't deserve anything else.”

"But?", Eiji asked, grinning at him. Ash returned the smile. He took something from his coat's pockets. It was the letter he had written to him, neatly folded, and put back inside the envelope. 

"Your letter convinced me to come here. I still think I don't deserve someone like you, Eiji. And I thought you'd be seriously mad at me. That you'll never forgive me for pretending to be dead. But your letter proved to me that I had to tell you that I'm alive, at least. In person. And maybe stay with you if you still wanted that."

"Ash, that's not true. You deserve happiness more than anyone after all you've gone through. I told you that I'd rearrange the world for you. I'll prove to you that life can be beautiful. You'll see. We'll make many great memories together. I told you about my dream. How did you like it?” Ash’s eyes lit up at that question, sparkling in the moonlight.

"It sounded perfect, Eiji. I'd love that kind of life with you. But why would you do so much for me even if I put you through so much misery?"

"That's simple, Ash. It's because I love you. I didn't tell you that in my letter because I assumed it would scare you.”

"You love me? Really? You’ve never told me that…” Pure happiness lit up Ash’s eyes as the softest smile dawned on his face. Eiji loved when Ash smiled like that and wanted to see it more often. Then, he cast him a piercing look.

"Ash, the right answer to _I love you_ would be _I love you, too_ , you dumbass."

"I love you, too, you dumbass.", Ash smirked at him.

"I forgot what an annoying smart-ass you can be." Eiji rolled his eyes at him.

"And I think you spent too much time with my gang. You didn't know such words when you came to New York."

"No, I spent too much time with a blonde bad boy who can't utter one sentence without swearing. He had a bad influence on me. But I can't stay away from him. Blonde boys with green eyes are my weakness; it seems. I'm powerless."

"Good for you that the bad boy’s weakness is innocent-looking boys with golden-brown eyes who look like grade-schoolers." Eiji flicked his forehead and glared at him. 

"Ouch!"

"So, where's my Christmas present?", Eiji asked smirking. 

"I'm sorry, Eiji. I had no time for a Christmas present anymore. I - "

Pure sadness flooded Ash's eyes as he stared down at his feet. 

"I was just teasing you. You haven't realized it yet. You're my Christmas present, Ash. You're everything I need. But to make up for your past mistakes, you can fulfill my Christmas wish. 

"Which is?

“Do I get a Christmas kiss? I think I deserve one. But only if you want that, too."

As an answer, Ash slowly pulled him closer and ran a hand through his hair. 

When their faces drew closer and closer, Eiji grew nervous, but he also felt thrilled at the same time. He could feel his lips trembling, but he relaxed when he saw the soft look in Ash's eyes. Pure love was reflected in his eyes as he cupped the other side of his face and bent down a little. Eiji lifted himself up a bit by standing on his tiptoes before their lips touched. His initial kiss was soft and slow. Eiji could feel his heart beating faster as he began copying Ash's movements. He began moving a hand through Ash's hair as well and pulled him closer while his other hand was around his back. 

He had no idea what he was supposed to do and hoped that Ash would take the lead. While Ash was kissing Eiji, he slowly moved his head back a little, guiding him through his first real kiss in the gentlest way possible. He instantly took his fear and nervousness away, and instead of feeling inexperienced and clumsy, he felt loved and cherished. 

Eiji had always heard that a kiss was nothing special. While in college, he had only heard stories about lousy kissing, and most of his friends had told him their first kiss had been horrible, and they hadn't felt anything at all. 

Yet, he had always been a hopeless romantic and had always hoped that his first kiss would be special. And the kiss in jail had been special, alright. That kiss hadn't been romantic at all, and it went by much too fast for him to react. He had been caught totally off guard and had just been standing there, too surprised to react or even respond to the kiss. He had felt like an idiot and had always assumed that it hadn't meant anything to Ash. The kiss had just been a convenient way to smuggle a message out of jail. He had just been the means to achieve that, right? The most efficient and pragmatic way. The messenger boy. 

When he had looked into Ash's eyes a moment ago, however, right before the kiss had started, he had realized that their last kiss had meant something to Ash as well. Back then, he wore the same soft look as he did a moment ago. Even if he was left completely stunned by that last kiss, it had still felt great, so he had secretly hoped that they would eventually kiss again. But then reality had gotten in their way...

When their lips touched, it felt as if little sparks were flying around them, electrifying the air around them. His lips felt so warm and soft and tasted like pure sweetness, and it seemed as if the world around them slowly faded away until they were in their own little world.

When Ash was kissing him, it was the most wonderful feeling he had ever experienced. It was soft, at first, before Ash deepened the kiss, turning it into a more passionate one. 

Eiji was surprised at first but instantly pulled him closer, returning the kiss. He closed his eyes when Ash did and let Ash stay in control, trusting him to guide him and taking the lead.

After a moment, he could feel his heartbeat quickening and how his breathing was changing. Ash's lips tasted sweet on his, and his movements were gentle and slow. Ash's put an arm around his waist, pulling him even closer, and Eiji tightened the arm around his back, following Ash's movements. 

Eiji was stunned that one single kiss could arouse so many different emotions in him. Affection, love, passion and pure happiness. He felt all those emotions rushing through his body while electric sparks were running through him. Then, a warm and fuzzy feeling spread through him that was entirely new to him. It was pure bliss, and Eiji wished that feeling would last longer. When Ash kissed him, he felt alive, loved and more awake than ever before. It felt magical, like a happy ending in a Christmas fairy tale. 

The whole sensation of it overwhelmed him, taking him completely by surprise. Every emotion, every touch, every scent was overpowering him. He knew he was still a bit clumsy, and his movements were a bit awkward, but Ash's gentle moves, his embrace and his closeness took away his worries and fears at once. He truly enjoyed kissing Ash and wanted the kiss to last longer. He wished this moment would last forever... But if Ash really stayed, there would be more kisses like that in the future...

Eiji could feel the warmth spreading through his body and felt his heart nearly bursting with happiness. Ash made him feel special, loved and truly happy. As if he was the center of his world. The only person that mattered to him. Ash could date anyone with his looks, but he only had eyes for him. He had even traveled across the world just to see him again, which made him feel like the luckiest person on this planet right now. It was a Christmas miracle.

Ash slowly softened the kiss again before their entangled lips finally parted. Eiji was gasping for air and nearly lost his balance, but Ash caught him at the last second. 

Eiji looked at Ash, who also seemed out of breath, but when he watched Ash's face in the darkness, only illuminated by the faint light of the full moon, he stopped in his tracks. 

In the moonlight, he saw that Ash was crying. Tears were streaming down his face. He was so surprised that he froze up for a moment. He rarely had seen Ash cry. He wondered what could be the reason. Maybe this was the first kiss that he had given voluntarily. Or he had done something wrong...? His hands cupped his face as he wiped his tears away with his thumbs. 

"Are you fine, Ash? Why are you crying? Have I done something wrong?"

Ash's hand moved to Eiji's and then touched his eyes, still pricking with tears as if he hadn't noticed that he had been crying. 

"I’m fine. I - I don't know why I'm crying."

"My kiss was that bad, huh?", he smirked at him. 

Suddenly, Ash burst out laughing. "No, you dork. The kiss felt amazing. As far as I was concerned, that was my first kiss. It was the first kiss I truly enjoyed.”

"It felt incredible to me as well.", Eiji assured him. “Our second first kiss.”

When Eiji put his arms around himself, suddenly shivering, Ash looked at him while a frown crossed his forehead. "Where's your coat, Eiji?"

"I didn't take one. I was afraid I wouldn't catch up to you.", Eiji admitted honestly. 

Ash shook his head in disbelief, took off his coat, and put it around his shoulders. "Wear this. You'll catch a cold."

"What about you?"

"I wear a warm sweater. I'll be fine. How can you even wear a simple shirt 

like that in winter? And while it’s snowing?”, he chastised him.

"I didn't know I would go outside.", Eiji defended himself. Then he hesitated slightly and looked at Ash. He could feel how his cheeks burned when he was this close to Ash.

"You look so cute when you're blushing, Eiji." Ash tried to cover it up, but Eiji saw in his eyes that he was as nervous as he was. 

"I still can't believe you're here. You’re the best Christmas present ever.”

“Merry Christmas, Eiji.” Eiji beamed at him, then he took his hand and pulled him along.

"Let's go, Ash."

"Go where?"

"Home, of course.”

Then, Eiji stopped again for a moment, standing on his tiptoes and put his arms around his neck.Then, he gave him a kiss on his cheek before saying something to Ash in Japanese that he had so often dreamed of saying to him.

おかえり、アッシュ。

(Welcome home, Ash.)

Surprise flashed in Ash’s eyes, then he slowly bent down a little to return the kiss and answered with the phrase that Eiji had once taught him.

ただいま、英二。

(I’m home, Eiji.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’ve always wanted to write a story where Ash goes to Japan but I also realized Ash would never do so on his own. He needed a little push😉
> 
> I hope you’ve enjoyed this little story. Please leave a vote, a comment or a bookmark/subscription if you did. 
> 
> Your feedback brightens my day✨

**Author's Note:**

> Please leave a vote, a comment or a bookmark/subscription if you’ve enjoyed this story, they encourage me to write more.


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